How to review a recent guest

[Kath9]

OK, I have tricky one. I had a booking for 1 guest, male, about 70. On booking, I sent my usual blurb about reading house rules blah blah and he replied that he was a host as well and therefore knew all about house rules (although, strangely, he had zero reviews as a host and only 1 as a guest from a few years prior).

Anyhow, he arrives, he seems lovely, well-spoken and intelligent. We had similar views on many things and we're having a great chat. He mentioned that he'd forgotten to bring his dinner, so I shared my dinner (and wine) with him (both of which he tucked right into). All seemed well at first, but then he began to make the odd inappropriate comment that made me feel quite uncomfortable. For example, he LOVED doing cryptic crosswords and had brought a bunch with him, so we did a couple the night he arrived. When he asked, 'shall we do another?' and I said OK, he replied 'here or in bed?' (smiling suggestively). He continued to make similar comments over the next 3 days as well as questioning me about my love life (which in my mind is no one's business but mine and close friends). Once, he got changed with his door standing wide open so that I was confronted with the sight of a FULLY NAKED man (I'm sure this was deliberate). He also then had a shower in the (shared) bathroom with the door open. I locked my bedroom door at night.

His last night, I came into the kitchen to find that he was making himself some dinner with stuff he'd scrounged from my kitchen. He hadn't bothered shopping for food for himself, so I guess he just thought he'd eat mine. When he finished eating, he said, 'now I feel like something sweet - where do you keep your marmalade?' Me: 'I don't have marmalade'. Him: 'Honey? Do you have any honey?' Was there something about him being a 'host' that meant we were now best mates and he could just help himself to my stuff?

So, this guy lives in my state and is likely to be back. In fact, he said as much, that he REALLY looked forward to coming back down and staying again. Although, overall, I enjoyed his company, his inappropriate comments and nudity made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I don't want him to stay here again. I also don't know how to review him - to be honest, I 'm worried that if I leave him a bad review, he might somehow confront me (as he now has my number, which he has used to message me several times rather than going through ABB messaging). BTW, guys, THIS is what the #MeToo movement is all about. Men making women feel uncomfortable and unsafe, even in their own homes 😞

Please help! (looking at you @Sarah977 and @Robin4).

[Yadira22]

Oh my @Kath9 that’s awful. 

Why did you not report him and mention it in the ABB messages the first time- this would provide you with initial proof.

please give him a review- “despite being an interesting guest overall I believe he is better suited for commercial hotels only. I wish him luck but under no circumstance do I recommend him to any host on this platform.” Ensure you give him a bad rating (less than 3 overall) and a thumbs down. Limit the details as to avoid having the review taken down. 

to block- you need to go to Airbnb on google  chrome. If you touch the flag on one of his messages you can go through the process of reporting him for inappropriate behaviour and sexual harassment (imposing your naked body on someone when it has not been solicited and is not consenting by the “receiving” party is harassment). The final stage would show you “would you like to block this person” and press yes! This would ensure that they can never contact you nor reserve again.

regarding your number you can block or change it- I had to do this previously myself. 

You can also go and report him to the police/ local authorities as to have on record what happened. Hopefully he would leave you alone but this would set a history/evidence of what your interaction has been thus far. 

I really do wish you luck and peace- stay safe out there and draw the line at the first sign! Log anything and never accept this behaviour. With the me too movement it has become apparent that the whole “boys will be boys” is an outdated concept... boys should and will be held accountable as would anyone else. 

Good luck to you ❤️

[Kath9]

Thanks so much @Yadira22, it really helps having someone else look this from the outside and put it in perspective. I wouldn't go so far as to report him to the authorities as he didn't exactly do anything 'wrong' or 'illegal'. But I may well block him from contacting me through Airbnb as well as block my number from him. You're absolutely right about the boys will be boys mentality. Some men, even those who wouldn't actually 'do' anything, don't realise how they can make women feel by their words and actions.

[Helen350]

@Kath9 I would argue that unsolicited nakedness is never socially appropriate behavior - unless in a context where it is expected, eg nudist beach or sauna in some countries. Airbnb private homes are not such an 'allowed' context.

[Kaylee18]

@Yadira22  Great advice! 🙂

[Yadira22]

@Kath9 Also I am so sorry if my tone comes off as judgmental- it’s not meant to be in any way so. It’s just I have personally been there myself and I hate it when anyone goes through such horrible situations.... I really do wish you love and luck and hope that from now you only get lovely and respectful guests! 

[Quang-Hai0]

*Comment removed* 

[Robin4]

@Kath9 

Wow Kath, that's a really dangerous scenario, you just don't know how serious or desperate (sorry no reflection on you)  some of these nut cases can be!

I have said it before here on the CC, and I say it to all female hosts who host alone, that I know.......Always give the impression that there is a partner in the wings, a significant other in your life, both with face to face contact and in the listing description.

"If there is anything you feel is not covered in my listing description either I or my partner would be only to pleased to help"! 

"If I am not available I am sure my partner will be able to help you out"!

"I will speak with my man and see if he is ok with that"!

You don't have to say you live with anyone, just give the impression that you are out of reach, you are spoken for.

As far as this 'guest' is concerned he knows how you live at this point and although you don't want to host him again you want him to leave you alone on your personal phone so, you can (after a few weeks)  message him through the Airbnb message stream and say...."You did say during your stay that a return in the future was on the cards, I have good news, I now have a lovely partner on the scene that helps me and makes my hosting so much easier. Just letting you know my change in circumstance which might help with those future visits!"

Something like that would let him know that you are out of bounds. 

It's so unfortunate that women are vulnerable like this Kath, but to protect yourself don't leave him a bad review! You can just say ...."xxxxxx was good company, although at times, just a bit too familiar and possibly struggled with my hosting boundaries. A good guest, who just needs to learn to perhaps respect those around him"! 

That way Kath, you have got your message across without calling him creepy,  or saying he was a bad guest. You have to protect yourself first and foremost Kath, and although it would be tempting to say he was a lecherous old creep, a sexual predator, that will get you nowhere and in all probability Airbnb would remove your review if he complained 

Sorry you have struck this Kath, chin up and hope that he disappears!

Cheers......Rob

[Kath9]

Thanks@Robin4, I knew I could count on you to come up with something diplomatic! Good idea to suggest that I have a partner in the wings - I guess I'm far too honest, so I never even think of saying that! I'll sit on it a few days but will likely write something like you've suggested in my review. Thanks so much for your support and input 🙂

[Kaylee18]

 @Kath9   I totally agree with @Yadira22  about leaving a review similar to what she posted...“despite being an interesting guest overall I believe he is better suited for commercial hotels only. I wish him luck but under no circumstance do I recommend him to any host on this platform." And after that you can block him. This person seems like he looks for hosts like you, lone females. Other hosts definitely need a heads up about this. 

I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would have been for you. Hopefully if you reach out to ABB they will have him flagged, because that type of behaviour is unacceptable. 

[Kelly149]

@Kath9   Highly unlikely, but I’d vote for “can’t be too careful!”  From me this guest would get:

Not recommend/No host again. 1*,1*,1*

The text would say either “not a guest we would allow back” or “3 night IB”

And then I would Report, Block and call ABB direct to note it again. 

Inappropriate flirting out of a 70YO - ok. Ate extra food - ok. Repeated nakedness in a stranger’s home - NOPE NOPE NOPE

[Sarah977]

@Kath9  Wow, guess he fancies himself irresistable and sorry to hear you were put in such an uncomfortable situation. I have to disagree with what @Robin4  suggested as far as saying or writing things to make it appear that you have a partner. That is exactly what women shouldn't have to do to be treated with respect!  And as long as we deal with this kind of behavior by hiding behind some non-existent boyfriend, rather than confronting these clueless guys, the longer it will continue.

I'm not the type to report someone to the authorities (i.e. the police, who wouldn't take it seriously anyway I imagine, unless you said he raped you) either, simply for flirting, making sure you saw him naked, etc. These type of men need to be educated. I would send him private feedback, telling him that his behavior in this regard was entirely inappropriate, made you feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe, to the point that you felt you had to lock your bedroom door, and that no, he is not welcome to book with you again. Then block him and give an honest review, making it clear that he made inappropriate overtures to you, a female host. And I would report him to Airbnb.

I say all this in answer to what you might do now. I can tell you that if he was my guest, I'd have said something the moment he made the comment about "in here or in bed?"- "Hey, dude, just cause we've been having fun here doing crosswords, how does that parlay in your mind into me wanting to sleep with you? That remark was SO inappropriate." And gone off to bed. And locked the door. If he wasn't sufficiently chastized after that, and still left the door open while dressing or showering, I'd have said "Seriously? What are you , Harvey Weinstein? You're making me uncomfortable in my own home, please close the door when you're naked."

But hey, I'm almost 70, so I have no problem saying things like that, and I don't think a guest would come on to me at my age, anyway- I'm not as young and cute as you anymore 🙂

I wonder if he has been inappropriate with his female guests, as well. Hosts have been delisted from the platform for just an accusation of that. I'd want Airbnb to have a record of this, in case he tries it on with other female hosts or his own female guests.

[Kath9]

@Sarah977, I so value your excellent insights, which is why I tagged you. You are absolutely right, we shouldn't have to invent a boyfriend to protect ourselves. I wish I'd had the wit to say something to him on the spot but I was just a bit gob- smacked and, if I'm honest, too busy trying to 'nice' to say anything. Wish I'd thought of ' What are you? Harvey Weinstein?' Hahaha, that might have stopped him in his tracks! Oh, and thanks for the compliment, but I'm not that young (although significantly younger than him) and definitely not as cute as I used to be! Anyway, I might message him as you've suggested - he probably doesn't even realise that he was inappropriate. If the #MeToo movement has done anything, it's given us permission to call out this kind of bad behaviour. Thanks Sarah - you're awesome 🙂

[Robin4]

@Sarah977 

Sarah, I do agree with you that women should not have to resort to these sort of tactics...inventing boyfriends or husbands, but this is unfortunately not Gods ideal world. 

Since time began, men have looked at and desired women, countless thousands (possibly millions) of women every day around the world have to fend off the unwanted advances of males. It is all very well to say this has to stop and women should not have to do this. But Sarah, the reality is this is not going to happen..... Nine year olds are going to continue to be sold of to adult men.....rapes are going to continue to happen......single women almost anywhere on earth stand a risk of unwanted attention if they are on their own in public once the sun has gone down!!

Of course it should not be necessary to invent situations  just be an equal among equals......but Sarah it is.

I am certain there is a class of loathsome male out there who will search listings that are hosted by lone women. I am equally sure there is a class of male out there who will consider he has 'struck the jackpot' when he walks into a listing hosted by a lone woman!

Of course it should not be necessary to invent a partner......but Sarah it is!  

As I have said before, at times I am ashamed to be a male, simply by association! But the fact that I am a male gives me a certain insight into how a male thinks from a male perspective.

A mythical partner is an insurance policy, it will deter almost all opportunist males from proceeding any further.

You are never going stop that man who has developed an infatuation for a woman he has become attached to in some way but, here, with our hosting, it is the opportunists such as @Kath9  has struck we want to discourage from booking! And the best way to do that is to let them know, the relationship door is firmly closed!

I stand by what I said!

@Kath9  @Flavia195  @Branka-and-Silvia0 

Cheers......Rob 

[Kath9]

@Robin4, I get what you're saying but why should women have to resort to lying in the hopes that they will be respected? It's kind of the same argument as saying women should not wear revealing outfits if they don't want to be raped. I know it's not an ideal world (far from it!) But it's one thing to be attracted to someone (I've thought some of my male guests were rather gorgeous for example) but another thing to act or speak in ways that might make someone feel uncomfortable, especially when you're a strange man staying in a single woman's home. So, I won't invent a boyfriend, but I may well message him and tell him that his behaviour was not ok. Might just make him think next time...